Why I’m coming to dislike the term ‘be your best self’ being aimed at children


I can safely say that Rachel Simmons’ book ‘The Curse of the Good Girl,’ is the single most influential book I have picked up in a decade. It has somehow brought order and clarity to a clump of subconscious fears I’ve harboured since I walked my eldest child into her grown up school. This mantra of being one’s ‘best self’ means something rather profound to us peri-wrinklies. In short, we get it. We get it because our own life experience has taught us quite clearly what being ‘best’ really (truly, deeply) means and what it certainly does not. Only from tasting or witnessing the worst of things and their consequences, can we as adults start to fine-tune where the heady league of ‘best’ starts to fade into view.

Saying to a child ‘be yourself’ is a phrase that is supposed to lift their shoulders and their hearts. There are no strings or hidden meanings. But by adding the word ‘best’ it instantly contaminates such a trusted form of guidance with competition and confusion. Surely a child who hasn’t even discovered what their ‘self’ really is, should not be encouraged to pour the cream off the top of what they consider the finer parts of their personalities?

So, to Rachel. She talks so eruditely about the dangers of the overly-compliant girl that is working so hard on obeying and paying due diligence to all those voices around her, that she has forgotten her own voice. Rather movingly she talks about the good girl being at risk of appearing so magnificent and successful, but in reality, her sense of true self is ‘disappearing.’ And in amongst this vanishing transition the good girl becomes laid bare to all the obvious threats that come with a loss of self; mental illness, anxiety and a general loss of resilience and real joy.

This book deeply moved me, and I recommend it to anyone who has daughters. And I have made a vow to myself that I will never turn to my young daughter and ask her to be her ‘best self’ again.

This photo taken by my teenage daughter beautifully illustrates the authentic and stand alone bluebell in a sea of bluebells.